Courtesy carries with it an unsaid message. It tells another person that you care. Lack of courtesy is perhaps an even stronger message that we don’t care. Frankly, I think that either a lack of courtesy (not extending kind words or acts) or worse, being discourteous (intentionally acting in a way that is rude and angry) communicate that a person believes he/she is more important than another or is somehow justified in being “right.”
Recently, I have been observing how we communicate to others through the way we extend—or fail to extend—courtesy.
What brought this issue to the surface was a simple observation. I was bustling about, running errands at a local shopping area. My attention was drawn to a young Hispanic man holding open the door for an elderly black woman struggling with a walker to maneuver through a heavy glass door to enter a local store. Right behind her was a young mother, herding toe-headed 3-year-old twin girls and a newborn in a stroller. The young man held the door for the entire parade, smiling. Actually he was chuckling especially as one of the little girls looked up at him with a big grin and said, “Thank you.”
Who said chivalry was dead?
I don’t think chivalry—or just common courtesy—is dead, but I do think it has contracted a virus.
On another day, I was struck by the innocence of this simple act of courtesy. The old woman murmured a weak thank you as she labored to make her way forward, her eyes fixed downward. Her appreciation for just this little bit of help was evident.
I wish I saw more of these incidents. Sadly, I don’t.
I think there was a subtle turning point some time in the past few decades that tipped the balance of expressing courtesy from a place of giving and humility to a place of putting oneself first. Perhaps this grows out of our American striving for personal rights, identity, no-one-tells-me-what-to-do stance. Perhaps somewhere along the way personal rights trumped community civility? I only ask the question.
On the flip side, I recently watched a 1940’s version of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina with Vivian Leigh set against the rigidity of 19th century Russia’s “polite society.” Not an alternative I would select to be sure. I am glad we have moved past artificial manners that place propriety above the reason for it.
Courtesy is Verbal Presence
Whatever the reason, I would like to advocate for a return of courtesy. As someone who is a devotee of conscious verbal presence, I would like us all to use our words and actions to communicate respect, appreciation, and gratitude. This begins with encouraging children to authentically, not mechanically, say “thank you.” Or, writing a note or even making a special phone call to personally show appreciation for a gift. And I don’t mean: txtng the msg n 40 ltrs OMG! The feeling and sincerity gets lost along with the vowels.
Such teaching only works when they see the behavior modeled in adults.
Courtesy is more than responding to what someone else has done or given; courtesy is proactive. Courtesy begins with awareness. It is having your radar turned on and tuned in so you can identify need and initiate an appropriate, courteous response to it. Courtesy is also gratitude for what others do and think to do, especially when someone recognizes what is not immediately visible, and thinks to respond.
Courtesy is exercising the best of our verbal presence to communicate that we care. Good leaders understand this.
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